HOWTO: Be a homeopathic bioterrorist

This HOWTO was written by Paul Kuliniewicz. Reproduced here under CC license.

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HOWTO: Be a homeopathic bioterrorist

  1. Buy a carton of orange juice and 30 1-gallon jugs of water.
  2. Place one drop of orange juice into one of the jugs of water. Shake.
  3. Take one drop of that dilution and place it into the next jug of water. Shake.
  4. Take one drop of that dilution and place it into the next jug of water. Shake.
  5. Repeat the process until you reach the last jug of water.
  6. Take a drop of that final dilution and place it into your municipality’s water supply.
  7. Everyone gets scurvy!

Frequently Asked Questions

WTF?

According to homeopathy, a substance that causes the symptoms of a disease in healthy people will cure that disease in sick people, and diluting a substance makes it more potent. While traditional homeopathy creates medicine by diluting harmful subtances, we can apply the same principles to weaponize healthy substances. Since orange juice has lots of vitamin C, a homeopathic dilution of orange juice would induce a crippling vitamin C deficiency in anyone who drank it.

How does diluting something make it more powerful?

Because some guy in the eighteenth century decided it does.

How does diluting something make it have the opposite effect it normally does?

Because that same guy decided it does.

Neither of those makes any sense.

I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were in the pocket of Big Pharma, you soulless corporate shill.

I mean, at that level of dilution, it’s unlikely there’s even a single molecule of orange juice in the water.

So? There doesn’t have to be. The water remembers what was in it.

How does that work, exactly?

Dissolved silica from the container. Or aerosols that get mixed in during shaking. Or quantum entanglement. Or friction with a fancy-sounding name. Which one sounds the most sciency? Because it’s that one. I was just joking about those other ones. Though they’re also true. Even though they’re mutually contradictory.

Is there any scientific evidence any of those are actually the mechanism?

Sure! I totally know a guy who knows a guy who tried it, and it totally worked.

No, I mean is there any scientific evidence? You know, double-blind tests and controls and null hypotheses and everything.

Well, no, not with those kinds of tests. It’s well-known that double-blind tests don’t work for homeopathy.

Why is that?

Why, since well-controlled double-blind tests of homeopathy always fail to show any difference between homeopathic treatments and placebo! Since we know homeopathy is true (as you’ll recall, some guy in the eighteenth century decided it’s true), that proves double-blind tests don’t work. Besides, so-called “scientists” are also all in the pocket of Big Pharma, just because if homeopathy were true it would invalidate everything they “know” about chemistry and medicine.

Wait, aren’t there trace amounts of just about any water-soluble compound you can think of in tap water? Shouldn’t the water that comes out of my faucet cure every ailment known to man?

No, that’s stupid.

Why is that?

The water didn’t get shaken the right way.

So there’s a special way you’re supposed to shake the water now?

Apparently.

Are you just making all this up to defend the ridiculous idea that homeopathy actually works?

No.

How do I know you’re right?

You think selling bottled municipal tap water for $1 a bottle is a ripoff? Think of the margins on selling small amounts of water as medicine!

a substance that causes the symptoms of a disease in healthy people will cure that disease in sick people

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