Superman Returns Sucked

3 out of 10
“All special effects, take out the special.”

Thin story. Poor continuity. Poor plot. Cardboard characters. Pretty, if overused iconography of Super floating in space and close-ups of the suit. If you saw the original Superman and the trailer for Superman Returns, then you’ve seen 90% of the movie.

Here, let me fix that: Lex steals Super’s Fortress of Solitude crystals and tries to build a continent off the coast of New Jersey. Super stops him. Lois and Super had a baby who would have powers if the writers would only remember he’s not a cardboard cutout.

There, that’s about 99%. If you think the last 1% is worth 3 hrs and $10, then by all means, go for it.

If you had the misfortune of seeing it, them let me commiserate with you:
What the frig was it with the giant globe on top of the Daily Planet Building? I think that maybe they paid so much for the set that they felt like they had to get their money’s worth. The frigging ball gets more screen time than Jimmy Olsen! Seriously.

Lois and Super had sex once and had a boy (reminds me of the Protestants in Monty Python’s “The Meaning of Life”). The kid is immune to Kryptonite and has powers but the writers keep forgetting to have him use them… either that or Lois is a frigging idiot. (notice the prolific use of the prefix “frig-” in my review. It was well deserved). At the end, everything is left up in the air. Lex is stranded on an island, his st00pid evil plan thwarted. Super and Lois might start dating, or Lois might date both Super and Dick (maybe Dick is bi. That’d be progressive). The kid’s powers are completely ignored (unless killing a bad guy by throwing a piano at him is one of those freak things that normal 6 year olds sometimes do). Super’s Fortress of Solitude crystals might be lost… or not. All this in 2hrs and 37 droll minutes.

The special effects are pretty good. I think maybe I would have enjoyed watching it better had it been in German.

Kevin Spacey would have been a great Lex Luthor, if they hadn’t given him shit to work with.

Oh and I saw it in IMAX. That was kinda cool.

2 Comments

  1. Frau says:

    German anyone? I can help with that….(check this out–I am posting on your website….)

  2. Lee says:

    And remember the part in the trailer when Lex is looking into holo-Jurel’s eyes and says “tell me everything”?

    So now Lex has “the combined knowledge of the 28 known galaxies”. What does he use it for? To make a big gun? A cure for cancer (that he can charge hansomely for, thankyouverymuch)? a star cruiser? An anti-Superman shield? Nuclear Man Part II? The perfect omelette? A diet pill that actually works? No! He makes a continent off the coast of New Jersey.

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