Lee.org

You know the cliché, “Hindsight is always 20/20”. Well, I should have realized that Panther Valley wasn’t the place for me as soon as I read the Rules for living here.

There are 15 numbered and 24 blue Roman Numeraled pages of rules to living in this place. The rules cover all the mundanity… everything from “burning of rubbish on Common Property is prohibited” to “no poultry of any kind shall be raised, bred or kept on any lot”. I’ve got no problem with any of the rules… well, some of them irk me a little but I realize that sometimes sacrifices for the common peace make for a better society.

The thing that should have told me to leave was how they started this manifesto. They could have opened with parking regulations, or noise ordinances, or garbage guidelines. But no. They opened with shit.

1. Defecation in the open by dogs and other animal pets shall be immediately removed and disposed of at the residence of the person owning, keeping, harboring or in control of such animals. Burying of pet fecal matter anywhere within Panther Valley is strictly prohibied.

I have no problem at all with this rule. Actually, I’m pretty much in favor of it. It’s just that…. they opened with…. shit. Or more precisely, “shitting”. Take a look at how the sentence reads. Putting that passive verb at the start of the sentence there is just a bit out of place. I’m convinced that they worked hard to intentionally phrase that so the word “defecation” would sit there at the top of the page.

Now, the rules aren’t really put in any purposeful order but we all know that the first things on any list are the ones you are going to remember the most. Why didn’t they put the more serious rule about firing weapons (not allowed!), or loitering, or poultry first? Obviously, the most important thing in Panther Valley is controlling and retaining shit. Isn’t there some Freudian archetype concering this?

I’m just not down with an organization who’s guiding principles put anal retentiveness at the top of the priority list.

Village III, Rule XI: Ball playing and group games shall not be permitted on all roadways and common property.

What the frig, man?! Playing ball in the street is a mainstay of growing up in America! And I won’t hesitate to mention that Village III is consisted mostly of a group of 20 very quiet, dead-end streets linked together by 2 main streets.

Village IV, Rule Q: No immoral, improper, offensive of unlawful use shall be made of any Unit…

That last condition, “unlawful” is clear enough, but who defines those first three conditions? Hmmm. I’m not liking this. Happily, I live in Village III so I can be as immoral, improper, and offensive as I want to be! If I’m imaginative, I could work it so this clause cancels out the doggie doo clause. Think about it!

You can find the full set of Rules and Regulations on the PVPOA website.