go to his Livejournal blog and read them there<\/a>. Besides, there are loads of comments on his site.<\/p>\nMoreover, do not read too many of these at once. Bookmark this page. Stop reading after your sides start to hurt. You can come back next week or next year. We’ll be here for you.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
1575 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG
\n1. Cannot base characters off the Who’s drummer Keith Moon.
\n2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
\n3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
\n4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not ‘Southern’ Montaigne.
\n5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
\n6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
\n7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
\n8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
\n9. My monk’s lips must be in sync.
\n10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn’t mean the GM can.
\n11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
\n12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I’m the sorcerer.
\n13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
\n14. Ogres are not kosher.
\n15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
\n16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
\n17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
\n18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
\n19. Drow are not good eating.
\n20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
\n21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
\n22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
\n23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
\n24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
\n25. The green elf does not need food badly.
\n26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you’re the paladin.
\n27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren’t a zombie in Twilight 2000.
\n28. The Goddess’ of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
\n29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
\n30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
\n31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
\n32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
\n33. There is no such skill as ‘improvised cooking’
\n34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
\n35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
\n36. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
\n37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
\n38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
\n39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘can lick their eyebrows’
\n40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
\n41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability ‘impromptu kickstand’
\n42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
\n43. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
\n44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
\n45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
\n46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
\n47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
\n48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
\n49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
\n50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs’ cave instead of exploring it first.
\n51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
\n52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
\n53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
\n54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
\n55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
\n56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
\n57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
\n58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
\n59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he’s on a run.
\n60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent deities.
\n61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
\n62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
\n63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
\n64. My paladin’s battle cry is not “Good for the Good God”
\n65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
\n66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
\n67. There is no Kung Fu manuever “McGuire Swings For Bleachers”
\n68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
\n69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
\n70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
\n71. There is no ‘annoy’ setting on a phasor
\n72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he’s an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
\n73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
\n74. My thief’s battle cry is not “Run And Live”
\n75. Nor is it “You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps”
\n76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
\n77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
\n78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
\n79. I am not liquid metal.
\n80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
\n81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
\n82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
\n83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
\n84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
\n85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
\n86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
\n87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
\n88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
\n89. The elf’s name is not Legolam.
\n90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
\n91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
\n92. The name of the weapon shop is not “Bloodbath and Beyond”
\n93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
\n94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
\n95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
\n96. No making up polearms.
\n97. My one wish cannot be ‘I wish everything on this piece of paper was true’
\n98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
\n99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
\n100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn’t include System Lords.
\n101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
\n102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer’s dime.
\n103. There is no such thing as a Club 3 of Cup Checks
\n104. Nor is there a 1 Longsword, 5 against party members.
\n105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
\n106. I do not have weapon proficiency in cat.
\n107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
\n108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
\n109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
\n110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
\n111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
\n112. If the gun can’t fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn’t go on the plane.
\n113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
\n114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
\n115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
\n116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
\n117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
\n118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
\n119. My character’s names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
\n120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
\n121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
\n122. The paladin’s alignment is not Lawful Anal.
\n123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
\n124. I cannot insert the words “Kill Phil, Sorry Phil” into any list of instructions.
\n125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
\n126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
\n127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
\n128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
\n129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
\n130. I am not authorized to form the head.
\n131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
\n132. There is no such feat called “Death Blossom”
\n133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord’s head for more than one round.
\n134. The King’s Guards official name is not “The Royal Order of the Red Shirt”
\n135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
\n136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
\n137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
\n138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I’m forbidden from doing it.
\n139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot ‘just play by ear’
\n140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
\n141. My maid does not know kung fu.
\n142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
\n143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
\n144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
\n145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
\n146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
\n147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
\n148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn’t involve tongs.
\n149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
\n150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
\n151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
\n152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
\n153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
\n154. I am not allowed to rub the monk’s head for luck.
\n155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
\n156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
\n157. Any capital scale weapon is not ‘my little friend’.
\n158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
\n159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
\n160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
\n161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
\n162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight’s dinner.
\n163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
\n164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin’s mom about his career choice.
\n165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger’s crystals to see if they notice.
\n166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
\n167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
\n168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
\n169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
\n170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
\n171. My character’s dying words are not allowed to be “Hastur, Hastur, Hastur”
\n172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
\n173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers’ March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
\n174. There is no use of Shatner’s spoken word album that doesn’t require a humanity check.
\n175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
\n176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
\n177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
\n178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
\n179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
\n180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
\n181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
\n182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
\n183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
\n184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
\n185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
\n186. No cutting line to be a god.
\n187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
\n188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
\n189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
\n190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
\n191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
\n192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
\n193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
\n194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
\n195. I cannot use a silent feat enabled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
\n196. I cannot name a character anything that I can’t say politely in another country.
\n197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
\n198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
\n199. My third wish cannot be ‘I wish you wouldn’t grant this wish’
\n200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
\n201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
\n202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
\n203. My superhero’s strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
\n204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
\n205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
\n206. I cannot forge a 1 sword of Brad’s Min\/Maxed Paladin\/Monk Slaying.
\n207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
\n208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
\n209. My Paladin’s heraldry is not a smiley face.
\n210. My Antipaladin’s heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
\n211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
\n212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
\n213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
\n214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
\n215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
\n216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
\n217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can’t have it.
\n218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
\n219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just “The Other Guys”.
\n220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
\n221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that’s gonna get some paradox.
\n222. Druids are not against my religion.
\n223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn’t.
\n224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
\n225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
\n226. Troll bubblegum…bad idea.
\n227. My last wish cannot be “I wish we were playing another game.”
\n228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
\n229. Not allowed to spontaneously check if the elf can take a punch.
\n230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
\n231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
\n232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
\n233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
\n234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
\n235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate. Plural, as in more than one, two more than none.
\n236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor’s garage.
\n237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
\n238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
\n239. My rockerboy cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
\n240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
\n241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
\n242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
\n243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
\n244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
\n245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
\n246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy’s always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
\n247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
\n248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
\n249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
\n250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
\n251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
\n252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
\n253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
\n254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
\n255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
\n256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
\n257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
\n258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
\n259. My Highlander’s name cannot be McHammer.
\n260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
\n261. The Barbarian’s name does not translate into “Screams like little sissy girl” in my language.
\n262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
\n263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
\n264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
\n265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
\n266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target’s phone.
\n267. I cannot yell “FREEBIRD” every time the bard makes a perform roll.
\n268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
\n269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
\n270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
\n271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
\n272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
\n273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can’t take the tax accountant skill.
\n274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
\n275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
\n276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
\n277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
\n278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
\n279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
\n280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
\n281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
\n282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn’t restore any of my HP.
\n283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
\n284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can’t help others make a decision.
\n285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn’t excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
\n286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
\n287. When asked for advice before a fight “Don’t wet yourself in public” is not what they were looking for.
\n288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
\n289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
\n290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we’re in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
\n291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
\n292. I cannot take all the monsters I’ve killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
\n293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
\n294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
\n295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
\n296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
\n297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
\n298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
\n299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
\n300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
\n301. “Well Hung” is not a physical, social or mental trait.
\n302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
\n303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it’s obvious I’m describing Burt Reynolds.
\n304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
\n305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
\n306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
\n307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can’t specialize in fencing weapons.
\n308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
\n309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
\n310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
\n311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
\n312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
\n313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
\n314. Under ‘Religion’ I cannot put ‘Xenu’.
\n315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
\n316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
\n317. My battlecry is not ‘Now young Skywalker you will die’.
\n318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
\n319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I’m Kilroy.
\n320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
\n321. The monk’s official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
\n322. My bard knows more songs than just “I Saw Your Mommy”
\n323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
\n324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
\n325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
\n326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
\n327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
\n328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it’s the coolest setting.
\n329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
\n330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
\n331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
\n332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
\n333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
\n334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
\n335. When installing cyberware, can’t install the Clapper as a built in feature.
\n336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
\n337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
\n338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
\n339. Can’t avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse “Can’t find a sitter”
\n340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
\n341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
\n342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
\n343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
\n344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can’t make the other guy’s head explode.
\n345. I don’t have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
\n346. I most certainly don’t have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
\n347. If I’m not the decker, I can’t do anything I saw in Tron once.
\n348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don’t start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
\n349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
\n350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
\n351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
\n352. When I choose my wizard’s familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
\n353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
\n354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
\n355. My monk’s battlecry is not “Round 1: Fight!”
\n356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
\n357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
\n358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
\n359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
\n360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
\n361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson’s Last Stand.
\n362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
\n363. When challenged to a showdown, I’m meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe’s Big .50.
\n364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
\n365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist’s sister.
\n366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
\n367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
\n368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin’ asteroid.
\n369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
\n370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
\n371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
\n372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
\n373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
\n374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
\n375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
\n376. The barbarian must remember that ‘human shield’ is a figure of speech.
\n377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
\n378. I can cannot give my character the moniker “Tim the Barbarian”. Especially since he’s the bard.
\n379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
\n380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
\n381. Min\/Max for combat=good. Min\/Max for accounting=bad.
\n382. I can’t bet the power gamer he can’t solo the module.
\n383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
\n384. The titles “Viking” and “Obstretrician” are mutually exclusive.
\n385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
\n386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
\n387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like ‘is’ or ‘the’ and activate when you say them.
\n388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
\n389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
\n390. My character’s background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
\n391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
\n392. I am forbidden to see whether halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
\n393. If I can fit my head down the gun’s barrel, I can assume it doesn’t have the non-lethal option.
\n394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
\n395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
\n396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
\n397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
\n398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
\n399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
\n400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
\n401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
\n402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
\n403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
\n404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
\n405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
\n406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not “Do not talk about Finnegan school”
\n407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
\n408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can’t have that gun.
\n409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
\n410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can’t kill him.
\n411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he’s monologuing.
\n412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
\n413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
\n414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I’d better not be the half-orc barbarian.
\n415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
\n416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
\n417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
\n418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
\n419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
\n420. “For the King” is an example of a good battle cry. “Smoke the Mother” is not.
\n421. I will not convince the GM’s noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
\n422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
\n423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
\n424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
\n425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
\n426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
\n427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
\n428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
\n429. If the character isn’t deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
\n430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
\n431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words “And hope they miss a lot”
\n432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
\n433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to piss off the power gamer.
\n434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed “Stumpy McLunger”
\n435. No bribing the DM’s new GF with chocolate so he’ll go easy on us.
\n436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn’t give me the right to start an HMO.
\n437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
\n438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150′ with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
\n439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
\n440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
\n441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
\n442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
\n443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
\n444. Whether it’s fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
\n445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with ‘a little less lawful, a little more good’
\n446. Ninjas are not ablative.
\n447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
\n448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
\n449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
\n450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn’t mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
\n451. I cannot start the campaign conjoined to another character.
\n452. Not allowed to convince the entire party to base the group only off Gary Oldman characters.
\n453. I will not redefine the term ‘trapdoor’.
\n454. No staking a vampire with anything larger than his chest cavity.
\n455. Styrofoam is not an appropriate component for golems.
\n456. I cannot put my familiar up for stud.
\n457. I did not invent the wet tabard contest.
\n458. “When I’m in the mood” is not a valid trigger for a contingency spell.
\n459. The vampire clan with vissitude is not pronounced ‘Karl’
\n460. I’d better have a real good excuse for being a necromancer if I’m lawful good.
\n461. Tasha’s Uncontrollably Hideous Sister is not a real spell.
\n462. 1st Watch is not for accordion practice.
\n463. Even if it is hip to be square, I still can’t play a Modron.
\n464. 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering monsters.
\n465. After a successful black ops, I will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom’s seat cushions.
\n466. 3rd Watch is not clothing optional.
\n467. There is no ‘accidentally’ slipping a Smite Evil into a pillow fight.
\n468. If the party wakes to find a chariot upside down in a fountain, I’d better not be the prime, usual or only suspect.
\n469. If I wake up to find black cloaked figures in my room, I will not immediately point them to the halflings’ room.
\n470. Sarcasm is wasted on Imperial Stormtroopers.
\n471. I am not fluent in any dialect of gibberish.
\n472. When my cleric is told to “Buff the Elf”, I know exactly what it means and may not miscontrue it in any way.
\n473. No matter the CR of the monster, no naked pookie dances upon victory.
\n474. Black and Decker does not make prosthetics.
\n475. Can’t trick the rest of the party into babysitting my kids.
\n476. The alignment of 2 years olds is not automatically Neutral Evil.
\n477. I cannot spay the Vargyr.
\n478. Castillians do not always end their sentences with the word ‘Ariba!”
\n479. As a matter of fact, Dwarven Battlegarb in no way resembles Angus Young’s stage costume.
\n480. I will not address Fauner Posen with ‘Jawohl mein Liebenaffe’
\n481. I am forbidden from doing anything that ends with a snarf, rimshot or spit take.
\n482. No uploading porn to my CO’s HUD.
\n483. No downloading porn from my CO’s HUD.
\n484. If the word ‘Mullet’ appears anywhere on my samurai’s character sheet, he’s vetoed.
\n485. My Mossad agent’s battlecry is not “Torah, Torah, Torah”
\n486. No how tough the encounter was, I will keep the congratulatory ass slapping to a minimum.
\n487. Halfing mating rituals do not include beer can crushing, power belching, or Lynyrd Skynyrd trivia.
\n488. If I have to pull out of the dungeon because I’m low on HP, no filing Workman’s Comp.
\n489. No making up any strange hobbies just to get out of taking watch.
\n490. Quoting Bob Dobbs while charging into battle is unusual. Quoting Bob Newhart is right out. Quoting Bob Dillan is just silly.
\n491. If my Faith is 4 and your Faith is 2, that doesn’t mean Jesus loves me twice as much.
\n492. Beer Boy is not an acceptable hireling for the dungeon crawl.
\n493. I will not base any Media character off Milo Bloom.
\n494. I will not use a time machine to invade Germany on September 2, 1939 by surprise, securing Dutch domination of Europe.
\n495. No supplying my own canned applause.
\n496. While Bardic music can increase skill rolls, bad jazz adds nothing to seduction rolls.
\n497. If somebody in the party has a Wisdom or Intelligence lower than 8, I am forbidden from talking to them.
\n498. A firefight is not the best time to tell the party my Medtech has a fear of blood.
\n499. No inventing the minefield.
\n500. My superhero will not spend points to fly just because he’s too lazy to walk.
\n501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
\n502. If my name isn’t Grimlock, can’t start every sentence with “Me Grimlock”
\n503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
\n504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
\n505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god’s BAB.
\n506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
\n507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
\n508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
\n509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him.
\n510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
\n511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be “The Charleston”
\n512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
\n513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
\n514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus.
\n515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
\n516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
\n517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
\n518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
\n519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
\n520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
\n521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
\n522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
\n523. When I’m rescued the correct response is ‘thank you’ not ‘took your freaking time!’
\n524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
\n525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
\n526. If an NPC is known as the “One” I cannot volunteer to be the “Two”.
\n527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
\n528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation.
\n529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
\n530. I cannot earn bonus XP for ‘catching air’ with an MBT. So stop trying.
\n531. No making up gnomish subraces.
\n532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
\n533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
\n534. When I level up, I just can’t copy the guy next to me’s choices.
\n535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards.
\n536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
\n537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
\n538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
\n539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
\n540. A full minute of stunned silence means “My God what did you do?” not “Please continue.”
\n541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile “the naughty bits” is not a valid choice.
\n542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
\n543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer.
\n544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
\n545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
\n546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
\n547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
\n548. I cannot have a “What Would Ao Do?” bracelet.
\n549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
\n550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
\n551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
\n552. If my character’s drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
\n553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
\n554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
\n555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he’s touching someone with his quivering palm.
\n556. Even though I’m the ranger, I can’t stalk the elf babe.
\n557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can’t have it.
\n558. There is not a ‘Take your daughter to work day’ for adventurers.
\n559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can’t offer his accordion.
\n560. Can’t hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship’s janitor.
\n561. I can’t play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
\n562. “Pass without trace” doesn’t work on bad checks.
\n563. I can’t make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
\n564. The Lutherans don’t have an inquisition.
\n565. My vampire hunter can’t have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
\n566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
\n567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
\n568. My first wish cannot be “I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish’
\n569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
\n570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
\n571. I will not secretly maze the wizard’s familiar, druid’s companion or paladin’s mount just for a laugh.
\n572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
\n573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
\n574. “Get dressed quickly in the dark” is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit.
\n575. Even if I’m a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad’s away without permission.
\n576. I can’t use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
\n577. No matter how stupid the PC’s comment, it doesn’t provide an attack of opportunity.
\n578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
\n579. “Pimp my Death Star” is not a real show, and I’d better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
\n580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
\n581. No filling the paladin’s stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he’s got to atone for.
\n582. I can’t thwart the Rebel Alliance’s attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
\n583. Can’t intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he’s just summoned.
\n584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
\n585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
\n586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional “flay” setting for my pistol.
\n587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with “Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP.”
\n588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn’t it?
\n589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it’s vetoed if that’s the Richter scale.
\n590. I can’t convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it’s piloted by John DeLancie.
\n591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
\n592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
\n593. Tensor’s Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
\n594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
\n595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
\n596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
\n597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
\n598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
\n599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn’t show up for the last adventure.
\n600. Even if I’m a wizard, I still can’t apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC.
\n601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
\n602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
\n603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
\n604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
\n605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can’t show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
\n606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
\n607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
\n608. The answer to ‘who’s got point?’ is not the fireball.
\n609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
\n610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
\n611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf’s shoes.
\n612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
\n613. I can’t have a magic item I can’t request with a straight face.
\n614. My superhero tank must be height\/weight proportionate.
\n615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
\n616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can’t load my shotgun with baking powder.
\n617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
\n618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
\n619. No matter what the dice say, I can’t kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
\n620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin’: Stigmata.
\n621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
\n622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
\n623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
\n624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
\n625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf’s beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
\n626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
\n627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
\n628. I can’t use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
\n629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
\n630. Replacing the solo’s bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn’t funny.
\n631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
\n632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can’t keep punching him until he get it.
\n633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can’t pick his weapon.
\n634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women’s lingerie.
\n635. Arguments cannot end with the statement ‘Alright, we’ll settle this like penguins!’
\n636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
\n637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
\n638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
\n639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn’t leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
\n640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
\n641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
\n642. My character’s grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
\n643. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
\n644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
\n645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can’t take God as an ally.
\n646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
\n647. Any answer to a question involving the words ‘wizard’, ‘station wagon’ and ‘wood paneling’ is no.
\n648. Can’t marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
\n649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
\n650. Gnolls don’t fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
\n651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
\n652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
\n653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
\n654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
\n655. When asked my position in the party, it’s not ‘whatever’s closest to Bangkok.’
\n656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
\n657. Can’t put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces.
\n658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female.
\n659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei.
\n660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
\n661. The line on my character sheet for ‘Sex’ is not for keeping score.
\n662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar.
\n663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can’t get a bonus to my intimidate check.
\n664. Unlike real life, I don’t gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children.
\n665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan.
\n666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can’t pick Nunchucks.
\n667. No matter what the dice say, can’t decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor.
\n668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
\n669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
\n670. While I’m fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
\n671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
\n672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
\n673. It’s not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
\n674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
\n675. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
\n676. My character’s primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1\/6 of all the XP.
\n677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
\n678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
\n679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
\n680. My axe doesn’t go off accidentally when I’m cleaning it.
\n681. Even if he is a total blast, can’t channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball.
\n682. Can’t make a called shot with a flamethrower.
\n683. After finishing the cliched “New boss is villain” adventure, can’t file for unemployment.
\n684. My mummy can’t take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary.
\n685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell.
\n686. My vampire hunter does not take the “un” out of “undead”
\n687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
\n688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
\n689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted.
\n690. Mordenkainen’s Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
\n691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
\n692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman’s School.
\n693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome’s contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
\n694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
\n695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn’t fooling anybody.
\n696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed.
\n697. No “accidentally” crosswiring the X-Wing’s fire control and ejection seat switches.
\n698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target’s HR files and getting babes’ phone numbers.
\n699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
\n700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire’s economy by spending all my swag there at once.
\n701. Cannot take the moniker “the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist”
\n702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
\n703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
\n704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
\n705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras.
\n706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
\n707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
\n708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it’s obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
\n709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
\n710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn’t obviously obtained in a brothel.
\n711. If almost all the words in my character’s background start with the same letter, he’s vetoed.
\n712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn’t mean with cigarette butts.
\n713. If if the rules allow it, can’t sink a battleship with a stapler.
\n714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
\n715. Even if the rules allow it, I can’t invent the strip joint.
\n716. I cannot play a race the GM can’t pronounce.
\n717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
\n718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren’t appreciated.
\n719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I’m already 1′ tall, furry and a squirrel.
\n720. Don’t have to include the line “And then stab them a lot” in the plan; it’s already assumed.
\n721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character.
\n722. Can’t intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don’t have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
\n723. If my character is related to a god, it can’t be as a parent.
\n724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
\n725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can’t hit on her.
\n726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
\n727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
\n728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
\n729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick’s lingerie.
\n730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
\n731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I’m still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
\n732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
\n733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts.
\n734. My character’s background cannot be a wikipedia biography with “Falco” crossed off and my character’s name written in.
\n735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
\n736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks.
\n737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr.
\n738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
\n739. Can’t make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
\n740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
\n741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.
\n742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren’t real alignments either.
\n743. Even if the rules allow it, can’t takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
\n744. My second wish can’t be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
\n745. Can’t wish I was the GM.
\n746. No making up holidays for my cleric.
\n747. Can’t just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
\n748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person’s face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
\n749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
\n750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass.
\n751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare “I’ll be Bach”
\n752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
\n753. No encouraging swedish accents.
\n754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can’t pick up the bank and walk away with it.
\n755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it’s starting equipment list.
\n756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
\n757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
\n758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it’s pharmaceutical properties.
\n759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
\n760. Can’t use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
\n761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
\n762. Fighter can’t put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
\n763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
\n764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can’t spend an action to change the radio presets.
\n765. Can’t parry with a called shot to the face.
\n766. No more Crazy Ivans while I’m driving the AT-AT.
\n767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I’m currently in.
\n768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
\n769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn’t take the vampire template.
\n770. My mythos investigator doesn’t talk in his sleep.
\n771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
\n772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
\n773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
\n774. If I’ve leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin’s 0, that doesn’t mean I’m lapping him.
\n775. My investigator’s motto is not “99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don’t push me”
\n776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
\n777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
\n778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
\n779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can’t go up ten levels in one night.
\n780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can’t sign the membership card “D. Duck.”
\n781. My tribe’s trial by combat ritual is not best described as “Calvinball with axes”
\n782. My paladin’s job is not to enforce happiness.
\n783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
\n784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
\n785. Even if the rules allow it, can’t shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
\n786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
\n787. “Start a career in modeling” is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
\n788. “You take the scary one” is not our default battle strategy.
\n789. Even if it’s for his own safety, can’t secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer’s guns.
\n790. If I have access to warm water, I don’t take watch unsupervised.
\n791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
\n792. Despite the movie’s claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
\n793. When building a superhero, can’t spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
\n794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
\n795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof “Duck and Cover” works.
\n796. In the middle of the black ops can’t lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO’s office.
\n797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
\n798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
\n799. Can’t hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
\n800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.<\/p>\n
Continued in Part 2 of 1575 things Mr. Welch can no longer do during an RPG<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Oh. My. God. Back in 2005 I came across this list. My sides hurt every time I look at it. Really. Try it. Caveat: if you haven’t ever played an RPG, your sides will remain pain-free. I just revisited the site and see that there are now 1575 things that Mr. Welch is prohibited from […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3274","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3274","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3274"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3274\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3274"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3274"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.lee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3274"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}